I have more questions than answers today, but wanted to touch base with you, my community. I know you may be feeling just as wobbly as I am.

What do I say? What to say when a majority of Americans voted for a man who ran on division and hatred? I’m asking where I belong if not in this country? Especially as a woman with two daughters and two granddaughters? Will my husband even have a job come 2025 (he works for a government lab)? Sleep has not come easily these past few nights despite an evening glass of wine.

Uttering platitudes like “this is not who we are,” is false, because this IS America today. We are NOT united and I don’t see that changing in the foreseeable future. So how do we move towards a sane tomorrow?

I came out of the supermarket this morning to an argument in the parking lot over politics between a man and a woman which ended with the man saying in a derogatory tone, “Why don’t you just go cry about it some more?” I closed my car door and sobbed before driving home.

Waking up to find out Trump was the new leader of our country left me, and I suspect many of you, reeling. We are all struggling with the people around us who voted for him this time, who knew exactly the chaos they would get again although now they are getting it without checks and balances or guardrails. The majority of our country voted for a man who wants to burn our democracy to the ground. We have to face that.

I’m sad, troubled and angry. What to do with these emotions?

It confounds me that so many were willing to abdicate bodily agency, choose guns over common sense safety, the right to peaceful protest, freedom to read any book we want, an education system that teaches our children to think critically and understand the complexities of our nation’s history without whitewashing. That ANYONE could feel good about coloring in a circle next to this man’s name KNOWING that the majority of his previous staff (including a few generals) warned it would not be safe to let him in the white house again, a vaccine denier nutcase will be in charge of our healthcare agencies and the government departments (education, justice, etc.) we count on to uphold the law and care for us will likely be eliminated. Did everyone forget the insurrection on January 6?????

And that is the point. I don’t comprehend it, can’t comprehend such hatred. I suspect you cannot either. Nor should we try right now while our heads are swirling with worry and uncertainty.

But this IS also our America, today at least.

So why am I writing a Debbie Downer newsletter if there is seemingly no solution to problems of such magnitude?

We need a revolution of sorts. I have no idea how the hell such a thing will manifest at the moment as I struggle with the reality of today. This is not about “Resist” bumper stickers, wearing pussy hats or marching. We will need to act beyond the voting booth. I think we begin in some small way with our local community. When we are ready.

Today is for feeling our way through grief. We cannot rush that.

I wonder if maybe our revolution will come from what my daughter said to my granddaughter after telling her the country had elected a bully. Ellie said, “I don’t like that and what can we do,” to which Hannah replied, “spread as much love and kindness as we can.”

There is wisdom in those words, I believe. I cannot and will not be an agent for further division. Division is exactly what those on the far right hope for–it’s how they retain power.

As my husband and I had coffee this morning and talked out our emotions, I realized two things. I’m not worried or frightened for myself–there is no way I’ll allow that boot on my neck to remain. If I encounter sexism, nastiness or injustice, there will be zero tolerance and I’ll react. I’m not a powerless little girl any longer.

The second thing I acknowledged is fear for my daughters and especially my grandchildren. They are very young but we all know that nastiness and bullying at the top always works its way down. How do we protect our children when the highest office in the country has chosen to employ a convicted felon with hatred for anyone who disagrees with him? Will little boys learn its okay to treat those that might disagree with disdain or violence?

I know my daughter and her husband will do the best they can to model good behavior, but at some point our children will be out in the world and exposed to things beyond the control of parents. We need to spread our light with fierceness far and wide, especially for the coming generations. In time we will determine how best to do that.

Thank god I live in Colorado and they live in Massachusetts where the light is bright.

Substack’s News Not Noise, Jessica Yellin (who I highly recommend) suggested that when we are ready for action, we reach out to local government to see how ordinary citizens can get involved with whatever cause we are most passionate about. Action is always better than sitting still and complaining. For me that might be advocating against book banners or quietly leaving those books in ultra-conservative communities, finding a way to protect the migrants in my community who will most certainly be deported or maybe volunteering in one of our local elementary schools teaching children to value our open spaces and national parks. Perhaps it will be my words or art. I just don’t know yet.

I do know we cannot lie down and take it or allow that ‘boot to remain on our neck.’ I do know fear is exactly what this administration will count on.

As someone who has suffered from anxiety in the past, trust me when I say, fear left unchecked only causes us to bury ourselves. Please don’t neglect your power, small as it might feel right now.

Think about what Kamala Harris said in her concession speech:

“On the campaign, I would often say when we fight, we win. But here’s the thing, here’s the thing, sometimes the fight takes a while. That doesn’t mean we won’t win. That doesn’t mean we won’t win. The important thing is don’t ever give up. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever stop trying to make the world a better place. You have power. You have power. And don’t you ever listen when anyone tells you something is impossible because it has never been done before.”

Please take care of yourself in the ways best for you and be extra tender with one another. Know you are not alone. Not by a long shot.

And I beg you: don’t give up. You might be the light for someone else. Our children are watching.
Sending you love and light,